I lay my head on his chest.
I can hear his heart beat. His warm husky breath on my neck.
Feel the rise and fall of his stable body beneath me.
And everything goes black.
I'm asleep now. And it's a lie.
He's not real. He's not stable. He's not secure. He doesn't love me.
But those select few moments when he feels real. That series of seconds,
of illusions. Allow me to believe that this marriage is more than just a document.
More than a few pieces of printed paper.
Is it him thats lying to me? Or am I lying to myself?
The ring has lost it's appeal , it's shine. This overwhelming nostalgic
sensation twirls around in the pit of my stomach making me feel instantly sickened.
Like a kid on Halloween that has
eaten far to much candy. Far to quickly.
I feel like that kid.
The constant need for attention from him. Approval.
The uncontrollable urge and need for things that I know are bad for me.
The lack of attentiveness to heed advice as well as obvious warnings.
He has broken me. I am Broken.
He has stifled me. I am stifled.
I was suffocated. Now I am free. Without Freedom. I am your prisoner. I was your prisoner.
Now after my body became use to his constant suffocation.
He has left me alone to drown.
I have drowned in my own emotions and wants in this marriage
repeatedly.
Now to the point where I see no point in this Marriage at all.
He wants out.
He doesn't love me.
He isn't happy.
He doesn't want us.
I want the lie.
The illusion.
This unjust truth that we have now painted through lack of
communication and lies, Now plays the better roll of our marriage.
Now with all honesty I can say, I do not see a future with you.
I no longer care if you don't want us, me, this.
Because Now I don't want us either.
Why should I yearn for a lover with no love.
Why should I ache, to be held by someone with no desire to hold me.
Why should I cry over a heart that is so clearly not mine.
Only different is, When you are not mad your emotions change.
Your wants fluctuate. And we are all spoused to heed the warning.
I am not mad.
I am not angry.
I am not hurt.
I was scared because I was numbed.
I reached for you. Begged you to see what you were loosing. Tried to make you see it was us.
I fought because I was scared.
I am numb.
I don't like illusions, I can never quite see them clearly.
You viewed my trying as a weakness.
I view your lack of caring as weaker.
You trashed what we are, Because you knew how important we were to me.
You say we do not want the same things. But we do. We just have different ways of going about getting them.
I was willing to try. You wanted it all.
All the perks.
None of the work.
But I was working. I was fighting. I was trying to save us.
Build us up. You were tearing us down.
I will not lie. I wanted YOU. But you doesn't do me any good.
If YOU don't want me.
So now we stand on the verge of goodbye.
Where do we go from here.
Do we make up? No. Because we are past that point.
To many times you throw us away just to say you are sorry.
You use to try to send me flowers, Do sweet things to tell me you love me.
Now you are just like everyone else.
You do nothing to earn my love. Nothing but demand it.
And deny me the same things you demand.
But now we have come to far. You can no longer deny
me something you can not and do not provide for me.
Something you do not have.
Love.
We are now to common to be common.
I am bored.
The chase made you feel special.
The new love made you feel drunk with passion and desire.
But all the new you killed with depression and anger.
Now whats left is lack of love and trust.
You have taken everything extraordinary about our love away.
Replacing it with doubt and unjustified hatred.
And to be put simple. You can have it all.
Without me.
Now I am awake.
PS.. I wish I could have known you without your illness. I would have loved
to see you in all your glory. Help you find yourself. Be anything to you at all.
I truly do to the depths of my soul love you.
But Alas, This to shall pass.
